Pritam's Blog
Those Sleepless Nights Were A Blessing
When I was 20 years old, I was diagnosed with a neurological problem, something to do with my spinal cord. The pain, which was initially in my right leg, and later spread throughout my body, was so unbearable that I couldn’t sleep at all.
Skipping a year in college was, according to my middle class mindset, out of question, although my relatives told me to go back home. But attending classes, especially the practicals, where one needed to move their ass a lot, was difficult, not just because of the pain, but also because I felt tired after those sleepless nights…
It was then I asked my doctor for powerful painkillers and sleeping pills…
And the pills worked. Especially because I used to take more than the prescribed dosage, and I would feel dizzy and high even after a sound sleep at night. Being attentive in class was impossible anyway, but at least the pain was gone…
But I screwed up…
Even though I hated engineering, I was good at the practicals. But one day, because of this dizziness and feeling high, I screwed up with an experiment; the chip burst, and the guy with me almost burnt his hand…
Although he didn’t blame me, I realized that it was because of the painkillers and sleeping pills.
And I stopped taking them. I chose pain and sleeplessness over being irresponsible.
This neurological problem is still there, although not as bad as it used to be. But in all these years, I have never taken a single sleeping pill because of this particular pain…
Even though, my engineering results were a bit screwed up because of this pain… Even though I have become a complete insomniac in this process of not losing my sanity…
And I don’t regret it…
If I hadn’t stopped taking those pills, I would probably have become an addict… And I wouldn’t have known what I really wanted in life…
Those sleepless nights were a blessing…
And it’s because of those sleepless nights, I came to know that engineering wasn’t really my cup of tea or coffee or whatever; that ‘knowing’ ultimately led me to quit my engineering career.
Although it took me three more years to make up my mind, I think it’s OK. It was never too late…
And it taught me the biggest lesson of my life, that being rational is painful, literally, but it’s worth it…