Pritam's Blog
Mad. Magic. Fire.
One rainy evening, 14 years ago, I was in a BMTC bus in Bangalore, traveling from Majestic to Soldevanahalli. Bangalore, back in those days, was still not so crowded. The traffic wasn’t so bad. And since it was raining, not many two wheelers were there on the road. The bus was moving quite fast through Malleshwaram - there were people on the pavement, under the sheds of those shops, under the trees, but the roads were empty.
I had got a seat and was staring out. And then I saw her. I saw her for a brief moment as the bus sped its way in the rain and I knew I was going to remember her for the rest of my life.
A girl, probably in her early twenties, in a salwaar, standing under a tree. She wasn’t the most beautiful girl in the world but she was more than pretty, if you know what I mean. With one hand, she held her purse near her head, trying to keep her vision clear from the rain drops bothering her. With the other hand, she had carefully lifted her patiala, revealing the fair lustre of her beautiful feet - the red nail polish on her toes washed by the rain water and silver anklets - it was just breath-taking, I don’t know why.
She looked anxious, probably because she had been waiting for her bus for a long time. At the same time, there was a certain kind of calmness in her face and it was probably this calmness that I was drawn to. She looked kind of magical to my young, romantic eyes, in that fading, rain-washed light of the evening.
I so wanted to talk to her, probably make a sketch of her. But by the time I realised what I wanted, it was too late. That I didn’t get off the bus that day is something I regret even today. That day, I realised I didn’t want to have any regrets in life. Many things that I did in my life, many decisions I made after that, things that I could have otherwise let go off, like proposing my best friend, like giving up my engineering career to become a full-time writer, were because of the lesson I learnt that rainy evening.
Anyway, the reason why this particular incident has come to my mind is that I have been talking to Anusua for the past few days on a certain anonymous platform. I do meet a lot of new people, thanks to my profession. But this is the first time in many years that I have felt a certain kind of connection with someone. This is big considering the kind of person I am - someone who maintains a distance with everyone, even with his parents, someone who over the years has built a wall around himself.
Anyway, I feel I don’t want to remain an anonymous friend. And I told her the same. Because I don’t want to regret it later, like in the case of the girl from Malleshwaram.
But why do I seek her friendship beyond the anonymous platform?
Is it because she looks and talks like one of my most favourite people in this world, someone I don’t get to talk to regularly? But I am not that stupid.
Is it because of my personal relationships, my marital problems? Am I just trying to fill that void? I gave it a thought and I realised it’s not about that at all. If that was the case, I would have probably tried desparately before. I didn’t.
Also, I am married to my best friend and I love her. That we are going through a rough phase doesn’t change anything. But it is also true that one person cannot fill all the voids in your life. So, there’s nothing wrong about feeling this connection with someone.
Lastly, I am 32. I have spent a considerable amount of time in this world to understand and come to terms with the fact that nobody, I repeat nobody, except yourself, will ever truly understand you. It is not even fair to expect this from anyone no matter how close they are and how well they know you. So, no. That I am seeking Anusua’s friendship isn’t triggered by some hopeless romance to be understood. Also, it is wrong at so many levels. I think many relationships are ruined because of this unearthly expectations men have. No matter how fucked up a man is, no woman is obligated to make him their project and the sooner men understand it, the better.
Why do I want to be friends with her then? Based on the conversations I have had with her, I feel she is a good human being. But I have always believed humans are inherently good. What’s so special about her then?
For inexplicable reasons, I remember what Bukowski said:
‘She’s mad but she’s magic. There’s no lie in her fire.’
That’s it. You don’t come across this combination very often. Mad. Magic. Fire.
So, yeah. That’s why… And I think it’s worth giving it a shot… But that doesn’t mean I expect her to reciprocate what I feel. I don’t. 😌