Pritam's Blog
I Can Never Forget Her… Because I Never Loved Her…
Dear Maa,
I received your letter this afternoon. And since then I have been laughing out loud every now and then…
The way you reached the conclusion that since I don’t come to see you, you are not at all important to me, and the way you said that it’s OK because our culture is family centric, where the needs and desires of the individuals are buried under family-oriented expectations, was so funny… It sounded like you were being practical and emotional at the same time.
It reminded me of a conversation we had when I was in my 12th standard, and you came to know that the reason behind my disinterest in studies was that the then love of my life was with someone else. I remember you asking me, “Why does it matter? Anyway you don’t want to tell her that you love her…” And I had replied, “It hurts because she is with someone with an IQ of 50…”
Of course, it was a cocky reply to your insensitive question… But neither of us can deny the presence of a tinge of sincerity in what we said. That you asked me that question implied the extent to which you wanted me to be practical, something you literally dedicated your life to. My response to your question implies I was confident, like every other man, about my superiority… Yes, there was still a bit of that stupid male ego in me which contradicted with my otherwise rational being, something you wanted me to be…
I remembered this conversation after reading your letter because today our roles have reversed…
Today I am being the practical guy who knows that it’s better for me not to come to see you, for you are not the only person in that part of the world… There are other people too, people I don’t like and yet can’t ignore… People who never supported me… People who are against everything that we both love… Freedom…
And you are being the proud, emotional mom, who believes in superficiality…
Maa, my not coming to see you has nothing to do with whether or not you are important to me… And to be honest, even though I feel you have forgotten what you had taught me, I am grateful to you… At the end of the day it is because of you I am the way I am… Unapologetically in love with freedom… You are important to me… And it hurts me that today you expect a normal mother-son relationship… I love and respect you the most not because I am obliged to, for the relationship we share, but because of what you taught me when you were sane…
That being said, I won’t deny that there are other important people in my life… Maa, I think I am in love…
And after all these lectures about being practical, I think I am going to disappoint you, because the girl is a stranger… I haven’t seen her yet. But I have observed her for a long time…
I am still not in a position to summarize what I feel for her and how it happened. I will let you know when I am sure…
I have this feeling that you are happy. Maybe you are thinking that finally I have moved on from Ruksar….
But let me tell you, Maa… I can never forget her… Because I never loved her… And that’s why it’s complicated… Love justifies many of the wrong things you do to a person…