Pritam's Blog
An Evening With The Oldest Young Man In My Life
“Marriage is not for everyone,” he said.
It reminded me of what my girl says, that I am an amazing friend but as a life partner, I suck, which I completely agree.
Honest (and sometimes, loud) criticism of ourselves and of each other being an integral part of our relationship, we discuss even the most embarrassing sides of our character. It is easy for us because we never ceased to be friends. So, there is no shame in accepting the fact that I suck as a life partner. There is no reason to pretend otherwise.
Anyway, he continued, “You should marry if only you want to procreate and give legitimacy to your child. Otherwise, there is no point in getting married”
His dismissal of the institution of marriage amazed me. Probably not a big deal but when all that people ask everywhere you go is ’When are you getting married?’ as if that’s the obvious (and unavoidable) purpose of life, this sudden deviation was amazing and welcome.
I remembered all those discussions we have had, me and my girl, about marriage. We don’t want to get married. That was never the plan. We were best friends who started going out; I was in love with her and eventually, she reciprocated. But even during the most mushy-mushy period of our relationship, we never contemplated getting married. We never felt the need to… We still don’t. Our parents beg to differ though.
“They would say that you need someone to look after you when you grow old. But your partner won’t be growing any younger. In earlier days, kids used to live together with their parents even after growing up. So, they used to look after them. But now, that’s not practical anymore, this co-habitation. So, marriage is not going to solve that problem, not without putting someone or the other through the trouble of looking after you,” he paused.
And I remembered what I had said to my mom when she said those exact words while trying to convince me to get married — that I would need someone to look after myself. I had said, “Do I look after you? What makes you think that my kids would look after me? And why do you think that I would want them to look after me?” That was a bit harsh but true. I remembered her face and a part of me felt bad about it. I believe that’s because we are conditioned to feel that way.
“I am not saying that you shouldn’t get married or have kids,” he started again. “What I am trying to say is that you should not get married or have kids just because you need someone to look after you. Don’t even get married to legitimize having sex. And anyway, casual sex is better than the ones that need commitment,” he chuckled.
The very next moment, he became serious. “Man, especially, has no reason to get married. Woman, on the other hand, are burdened and chained by family, society, and culture. It’s a shame. Being a teacher, it bothers me a lot when I see a girl giving up her career or compromising with it to some extent after getting married…”
And again, it reminded me of my mom.
“Anyway, what you should be focussing on is saving enough so that you can afford an old-age home. That’s more important than anything else. The rest is up to you,” he concluded with a smile.
It was after two long years I met him — my teacher, mentor, and guide — the person who had literally changed my life.
At 70+, he is just the oldest young man — probably younger, more progressive, and more rational than most of the people from my generation — people who, I feel, are conservative in their own way.
There are times when I doubt myself, I wonder if the problem is in me… But then there are days like this if you know what I mean.
It was an evening to remember…